The love of my life Aiden has changed my life in so many ways. Because of him, I became a mother, I gained a powerful voice, I learned that looks really don’t mean shit and of course I learned what it means to love someone more than life itself. Aiden is the most beautiful baby I know. And I’m not just saying that because I’m his mom. He had the roundest big brown eyes that look like they were fluttering because of his incredibly long lashes, he had such light pretty brown wavy silky hair, and let’s talk about those cheeks! They were so kissable, soft and chubby and seemed like he was storing milk in them! He had the cutest mouth and butt chin just like his daddy’s.
Kyle and I always knew that when we had kids, they were going to be different. I taught preschool for three years before becoming a mother and at the first preschool, the director said, “we only accept happy normal kids here.” I was appalled, heartbroken and because of that I knew I was in the wrong school. I called my mom crying because I couldn’t believe there were schools and educators that would say such a thing. Aiden was a happy kid, but what does normal mean? Why would anyone want to be normal anyways…Whatever that may be. Even with his mitochondria deficiency, he was perfect in every way possible. Beyond perfect.
I mean, he loved the beach boys and of course other types of music but beach boys was his fav. And what baby loves being read to? Aiden did and he wasn’t just a great listener but he followed every book along with us. He loved watching Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood which is interesting because it’s based on Mr. Rogers and I loved Mr. Rogers growing up.
Especially because Mr. Rogers always reminded me so much of Tatay (my grandpa). Even after everything that Aiden has been through, Aiden was a happy baby.
Aiden is in heaven now and it’s hard to come to terms with that. He’s happy and flying and reading all the books that haven’t been published, listening to all beach boys songs that never got recorded, watching Daniel tiger episodes that haven’t been released and playing with his Grandma DD and Tatay. We know he’s being taken care of up there.
The hardest part for me is waking up in the mornings and realizing he’s not in his crib. But sometimes at different points of the day and at random times when I even just look at a water bottle, I’ll start bawling. Life is hard without him and I just don’t know how I can go on. I feel lost and confused and especially angry. Angry at some other people that have children and just angry at anyone that disrespects me, my husband and my baby. And that definitely comes up.
During my pregnancy and even before that and when we were just thinking about getting pregnant, I wanted to change the world for Aiden. And I was going to. But first I started with the world In which I was raised. For those of you who don’t know, I was sexually abused and didn’t get the support I needed. I created boundaries and wanted to of course protect my son from all of that and I did. Things are different and I made those changes for my family, especially my son and now that I think of it, Aiden was trying to protect me too.
In a world full of horrid, toxic, critical, sick people and lots of violence and hate, I realize Aiden is just too good, and too pure and innocent for this world. He’s better than us and God missed him too much and needed his little angel back up in heaven.
People constantly tell us Aiden is lucky to have us as parents. That’s not true… We are so blessed to be the chosen ones. It’s such an honor to be Aiden’s mom. I am so proud of him and proud to be his mom and he reminds me everyday that I am the best mom and that I am more than good enough. But really he’s the best baby that we can ever ask for. We’re lucky to have such a beautiful perfect baby.
Aiden was always our baby. Even in HS, Kyle and I already had his name picked out and I always knew we were going to have a boy. Before Aiden was born, I somehow knew that he wanted to meet us.
In a fluffy pink and blue cloud, God and Aiden were watching Kyle and I when we first met in HS. And being the sweet curious adorable angel that he is in heaven he asked God, “Can I just meet my mama and my daddy now?” God said to him, “Aiden, it’s too soon for you guys to meet. Your daddy needs a lot of time to grow and mature. Your mama might be ready for you but the time is not right yet, my sweet angel” 6 or 7 years later, Aiden asked God again, “can I meet my parents now” and God said “Aiden you can most certainly meet you mama and your daddy now. But I want you to remember that you’re going to meet them, spend time with them and they’ll show you different places, and love you soooooo much. Aiden you’ll change them, but you’re going to come back here and fulfill your duties as President of the Heavenly Baby Angels and Head Coach of the kicky kickersons.” Aiden said, “Ok God. I promise I’ll come back. I just really wanna meet my parents now so my mom can teach me how to Dance and Zumba and I can see my dads tattoos and learn how to become a notary for Heaven!” And then God let Aiden come into our lives.
Aiden, you’ve brought so much love into our lives and taught us so much. Mama and daddy miss you so much and wish you were here with us. We know your role is very important up there. We just want you to know you are perfect, missed and so so so loved. I love you my sweet Bubush. Can’t wait to see you in Heaven so you can show and teach me everything and I can finally hold you and never let go.